Until You've Finally Found

I'm working on a fest fic today but took the time out of my day to read Last Stand by esteefee (John/Ronon - NC-17) and so glad I did. SO GORGEOUS! Even if the pairing isn't your cup of tea, I think you might really like the end of the Wraith she came up with. I feel I have to find my thesaurus to find suitable words to describe this story! My heart ached right along with Ronon's at the end.

I was listening to The Special Two by Missy Higgins today while washing the dishes and realized that I'd found the outline for my fest fic!!!!! Or nearly. I just have to keep it from taking over all my writing time because I've only just gotten into the plot of the Angelic Big Bang. The sad thing is that most of it is world building and will be lost alongside the writing road so I can count it in my writing count but I can't necessarily count it in my finished count. I'm worried. Not with the story because it's coming along gloriously well but that I'll be able to find the true story amongst the rubble of my verbal deluge. It's there. I can see little hints of what the story truly is. This will be my first attempt at a true edit, though. I've always written exactly what I want the story to be before but all my big stories have been fanfic and I know the world. I don't know this world as well as I'd like. I keep learning things. Things keep changing as I realize that this new thought would work better than what I'd thought before.

I keep telling myself that a first edit is not the end of things. There will be other edits. I just need to find the story that I need for this challenge and then keep writing until I find what the true story is. I need to own this fear instead of running away from it. I need to learn to work through it. I need to find the story that I want to tell and make it the best that I can. That is all I can do at this point. Then I need to let go of it and be happy for the experience.

But I'm scared. I'm not denying it this time. I'm afraid that I'm not good enough for the story. That the story isn't good enough for me. That I'll give up again. That I won't be able to own this experience. That I won't be able to find enough moderation that I won't burn out.

Ah-ha! Killed another fly! Die, fly! Die!

I fly out on Thursday for Maryland. Can't wait!

Until You've Finally Found

I'm working on a fest fic today but took the time out of my day to read Last Stand by esteefee (John/Ronon - NC-17) and so glad I did. SO GORGEOUS! Even if the pairing isn't your cup of tea, I think you might really like the end of the Wraith she came up with. I feel I have to find my thesaurus to find suitable words to describe this story! My heart ached right along with Ronon's at the end.

I was listening to The Special Two by Missy Higgins today while washing the dishes and realized that I'd found the outline for my fest fic!!!!! Or nearly. I just have to keep it from taking over all my writing time because I've only just gotten into the plot of the Angelic Big Bang. The sad thing is that most of it is world building and will be lost alongside the writing road so I can count it in my writing count but I can't necessarily count it in my finished count. I'm worried. Not with the story because it's coming along gloriously well but that I'll be able to find the true story amongst the rubble of my verbal deluge. It's there. I can see little hints of what the story truly is. This will be my first attempt at a true edit, though. I've always written exactly what I want the story to be before but all my big stories have been fanfic and I know the world. I don't know this world as well as I'd like. I keep learning things. Things keep changing as I realize that this new thought would work better than what I'd thought before.

I keep telling myself that a first edit is not the end of things. There will be other edits. I just need to find the story that I need for this challenge and then keep writing until I find what the true story is. I need to own this fear instead of running away from it. I need to learn to work through it. I need to find the story that I want to tell and make it the best that I can. That is all I can do at this point. Then I need to let go of it and be happy for the experience.

But I'm scared. I'm not denying it this time. I'm afraid that I'm not good enough for the story. That the story isn't good enough for me. That I'll give up again. That I won't be able to own this experience. That I won't be able to find enough moderation that I won't burn out.

Ah-ha! Killed another fly! Die, fly! Die!

I fly out on Thursday for Maryland. Can't wait!

Banks - as in, two of them exist in the Stargate universe

There is always a reason why things happen the way they do. I firmly believe that.

If I had started watching the Stargate franchise earlier than I did, I think I would have had completely different favorite characters. Now my main preferences are locked into place and nothing can sway them. I may like other characters but they will never be able to sway my first loves.

If I had watched SG1 before SGA, I would have come at the universe differently. I would have seen things and heard things in a different order. And I would have missed this tid-bit in Season 9 that I caught when I watched it last week. Cameron Mitchell's gunner was named Adam Banks. I was so caught up in that one piece of information that I could barely watch the rest of the show and I certainly didn't appreciate Cam like I expected to because I was so worried over the possible familial implications this might have for Amelia in SGA.

The Amelia corner of fandom is not very big and I'm fairly certain that no one has explored the fact that Amelia may have had a brother that was killed in active duty. It very much makes me want to explore that. This actually changes some parts of her psyche in my head. There are some things that need to be explained but there are also some things that dropped into place. Some ideas that make more sense now. Amelia's sudden appearance in Ronon's life instead of a gradual "Hey, I like you. Want to hang out?" sort of thing. Someone she knew was killed and then brought back to life. She is intrigued and feeling a little bit "Why you?" about Ronon now.

Alas, this fest fic is Harry Potter so there will be no exploring of Amelia's family in the near future. I wanted to write down these thoughts so that I might one day read through them and remember that I once wanted to write this story very badly.

Banks - as in, two of them exist in the Stargate universe

There is always a reason why things happen the way they do. I firmly believe that.

If I had started watching the Stargate franchise earlier than I did, I think I would have had completely different favorite characters. Now my main preferences are locked into place and nothing can sway them. I may like other characters but they will never be able to sway my first loves.

If I had watched SG1 before SGA, I would have come at the universe differently. I would have seen things and heard things in a different order. And I would have missed this tid-bit in Season 9 that I caught when I watched it last week. Cameron Mitchell's gunner was named Adam Banks. I was so caught up in that one piece of information that I could barely watch the rest of the show and I certainly didn't appreciate Cam like I expected to because I was so worried over the possible familial implications this might have for Amelia in SGA.

The Amelia corner of fandom is not very big and I'm fairly certain that no one has explored the fact that Amelia may have had a brother that was killed in active duty. It very much makes me want to explore that. This actually changes some parts of her psyche in my head. There are some things that need to be explained but there are also some things that dropped into place. Some ideas that make more sense now. Amelia's sudden appearance in Ronon's life instead of a gradual "Hey, I like you. Want to hang out?" sort of thing. Someone she knew was killed and then brought back to life. She is intrigued and feeling a little bit "Why you?" about Ronon now.

Alas, this fest fic is Harry Potter so there will be no exploring of Amelia's family in the near future. I wanted to write down these thoughts so that I might one day read through them and remember that I once wanted to write this story very badly.