A Lar by any other name

Found some good music lately! Don't have any of it to post here because that would require getting it onto a disk and back onto the first computer again and I don't get to that computer much. *sigh* So much hard work! But I'll try to get some of it soon.

Anyway, first band is Paramore. You've heard them if you've heard the Twilight soundtrack and I think I posted a video here awhile ago. Love them. Love their music. Love their lyrics. Love their message.

Another one that is similar (although I hate comparing them at all) is Fireflight which I discovered on Pandora on the Paramore station I created. Songs like "Forever" and "Unbreakable" will keep me coming back to them over and over again. (ETA: You can check out some of their songs on their MySpace page)

These albums, along with some Demi Lovato, Plumb (mostly the older stuff), Taylor Swift, Aly & AJ and good ol' Avril Lavigne round out the soundtrack for this year's Script Frenzy. I label this project a cross between X-Men and Gossip Girls but I would hate to put a label on this project before it even gets off the ground. Wish the writing was going faster, that's all I can say!

I don't have my books for this year posted yet but I do have them up on Goodreads.com if you're interested. I love the site because I can review them if I feel like it but I always have to give them a "star chart" which makes me think about them a bit more than I would if I just had to put down the title and page amount. There's a lot of fun to be had at this site, if that's what you'd like. Groups (both reading and obsessing), Trivia (I have several questions that I put in!), and a place to get some good ideas of what to read next. I pair this with Paperbackswap.com and feel like I'm getting a better quality of reading material. Of course, I have to get through the backlog of questionable stuff.

Other than trying very hard to stay away from Facebook this week, things are going along swimmingly. I've had my fix of small hugs today when we went into Hailey for the AWANA Grand Prix (they race wooden cars much like the Boy Scouts do) and got to spend time with Gretchen, Becca, the Danis and Zane. While work can be boring and certain people irritating, I'm fortunate to have the job and am very appreciative of it.

Now if Spring could be more like Summer...

1. The boss bought us all pedometers. I got mine at 11:00 this morning. I am at... 4486 steps. Not ANYWHERE close to 10,000. Tomorrow, I'm shooting for 7500. It's something! Besides, I'll be at home and can use the treadmill. I know Dad will bring up the fact that I can take Spencer out for a walk but winter is getting to the icy point and I don't feel like blindly walking around the block, trying NOT to find the icy spots. Maybe I can convince her to come of the treadmill with me?

2. I have discovered that I love broccolini microwaved with a little bit of butter, some lemon pepper and tomatoes. It's really good! My new vegetable of choice. I have some for lunch tomorrow IF I remember to bring it to work.

3. The book I'm reading is really good. Magic to the Bone by Devon Monk. I'm too lazy to find a link. It's a new one from ROC and I'm really liking what I'm reading so far. The only problem that I see... she mentions magic being in " strands"... DAMN! That was going to be an idea that I used. Does anyone else find authors writing their ideas and then you feel that you can't use them because someone might think you took it from that particular author? No? Just me?

4. Winter. I don't like it. I never do. It comes back anyway.

5. My little cousin/niece came over to Gramma's this morning with my uncle before I left for work. She was playing with Spencer and kept calling her a boy. This is typical of anyone it seems but she's at that age where she's trying to figure out the difference between boys and girls so I kept correcting her, saying "No, Spencer is a girl. Just like you." She looked up at me with a perplexed face which cleared as she said, "Maybe she will be a boy when she grows up!" I couldn't help but laugh. She looked so proud of herself for that observation!

6. I love Twitter. Can you tell? Any time of the day, I can pick up my phone (for that is how I update) and send off a text that winds it's way through the intrawebz and ends up here in this journal. I can't use them as my Facebook status because "coworker" is on Facebook. I'm sort of scared that she'll someday come looking for this journal just because I've mentioned it a few hundred times. May have to lock some of the "funnier" posts just to keep the friendship.

7. Yep. Still not liking winter. Liking it even less now that I can't feel my toes... which are in socks so that isn't the problem. Besides, it's late and I need to walk the 30 or so steps to bed so that I get to 4500 for the night.

Being on Facebook has been... interesting. It combines two things I never thought would be combined. My real life and my online life. I know my online life is hanging on by a very thin string these days but it's still there. The history in this journal and the HUNDREDS of others that I have is extensive. The people in RL who have me friended on FB have known me for years. The two have never really met.

Until this week, I hadn't thought much about it.

And then I became a fan of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardery.

The people who don't really know me at all are raising their eyebrows at me. It makes me laugh. They think they know me!!! They think they understand what makes Lar/Shelley tick. Oh, how wrong they were! I still don't think they understand. This veneer of Shelley is... a mere shadow of the substance of Larinzia. There are times when I truly think of myself as Lar. She is a real person. She exists. Shelley is merely the shell I put on so Lar can walk and talk and breath and type.

But once again Lar leaks into Shelley. I convinced a friend to start reading Harry Potter and then watch the movies so she'll be caught up in July when the new one comes out. Now I'm trying very hard not to pull her in deeper. It wouldn't be fair of me to expect her to fill that void in my life. It's up to me to try to find a way to get back that part of Lar that I've lost.

I don't know whether to try to explain myself to RL people or just laugh it off. They won't care. Mostly, they're just confused because it doesn't make sense with who they think I am. If I explain, it won't make things better or easier or more interesting or even okay. These are people who think that writing a book must be "easy" even though they've never tried it. These are people who think that people who like Fantasy (reading, writing, TV, movies, etc) have a few screws loose. And most of all, these are people who are so stunted from living in a small town they don't try to understand anything that isn't "normal" in their eyes. It's either their way or the highway.

Thankfully, I live on the highway. I'm quite content there. Thank you very much!

Had a wonderful long chat with Jodi last night (Dad says I was talking loud so if I hurt your ears, I'm sorry) and it was a good reminder of... stuff. Like the fact that we don't communicate a lot but she does read this (HI!) and I can pray for her when she comes to mind. These are the things that keep us connected.

I went to the movies (Twilight... what else!) with two of the girls from work and we had fun. Randye laughed at all the campy stuff but this was her first fangirl experience so she can be forgiven. Heidi was gleeful and just happy to be there. I was... well, I was excited that it's still possible to be a fangirl even in the middle of nowhere Idaho. The girl behind me was nearly as squeally about the HP trailer as I was. That made me happy. And excited that I won't be the only middle aged woman at the theatre next summer. Not that she was middle aged but neither was she 12.

I've had a lot of fun with Randye and Heidi. They've been really good for me for all sorts of reasons. Both are 10 years older than me but they're about where I am in life... except that they have really good jobs, being pharamacists. They're very encouraging about everything in my life. Being me, I tell them just about everything. They, in turn, have let me into their lives and I am so grateful for the friendship. It was something I thought I would miss out on being back here.

The thing I like most about Heidi is that she cares about people but she doesn't care what they think of her. She's strange that way. I've never known anyone to be so concerned with other people and what they think... and still not care. I can learn a lot from her.

The think I like most about Randye is that she laughs at me... and with me. It's like having Doodle back at home! I've started to resurrect my "voices" just to make her laugh. The old man... the teenage girl... the airhead... the hick. Man, I'm having so much fun remembering how to do all my impersonations.

Of course, being able to be so free with my friends can be bad. I have forgotten that the written word is not the same as face-to-face interaction and I've also failed to remember that not everyone "gets" me. This has made me seem rather... snarky? maybe... on Facebook lately. I don't mean it. Much as I talk without thinking sometimes, I also type fast. Can't miss the chance to be sarcastic! *sigh* I must remember just to think it in my head... or type it and then erase it.

Reading through my friends page tonight, it has come to my attention once again that some real-life authors aren't above being snarky themselves. Just reminds me once again that they are human and it isn't hard to be them... they are writers who have worked hard. They aren't superhuman. And they aren't above being jealous.

I'm reading "Wolf Who Rules" tonight. It's the second in a series that I ADORE. Wen Spencer is right up there on the top of my Must-Read list. Get "Tinker" if you haven't already read it, but have WWR on your shelf so you can pick it up soon after you finish. Can't wait to read the third.

The NaNo story is at the typical standstill I get to at the 2/3 mark. I know more about the story now than I did and that means the first part of the story doesn't always work. I need to rewrite 4 chapters. I understand why people graph out their stories but I've tried that and I've gotten bored so much sooner when I do that. If I can just get OVER this hump, I may be on the way to a decent story! So I'm saying again... I WILL FINISH - but not before I do this rewrite. I'm doing this for myself. My peace of mind. I can't bear for the story, even a first draft, to be less than the best I can make it. I'm thinking that I'll never have a true ending in opening drafts. It will only work in 2nd or 3rd drafts. That will just be the sort of writer I am. I'm sure there is someone else like that out there.

From the looks of my bank statement, I will be giving out homemade cards for Christmas presents. I hate that I have less than no money right now. I've started taking some steps to get my expenses down to my income but I thought my expenses were pretty low already! My trip to Colorado wiped out my cushion and I haven't been able to make it back. Am thinking I need to borrow from my 401k again. I hate to do that but I'm not about to get a credit card and I'm really, really tired of borrowing from my parents. It might be time to get a second job... but how horrible is it to have 2 jobs when some people don't even have one???

I have found a new love for Land O Lakes hot chocolate in the little packets and the new Junior Mint MINIS. If you haven't seen those, they are a sight to behold. Grab a box and enjoy!

Here are the lyrics to the prettiest of Robert's songs on the Twilight soundtrack.

Never Think
( by Rob Pattinson )

*****

A year ago I moved. A whole year has passed. I'm still alive. You may not have realized that. I haven't given you much hope that I still exist. I do, though.

My name is Shelley and I exist in a whole different realm than I did before. I am still me, though. I have not changed. Instead, I find myself trying to make my surroundings fit me. I'm not ready to adapt. I want to stand out. I want to be alive.

This is the last step for me. Coming back here. Trying to see what still exists of my old life. Seeing what kind of new life I can make once again. I don't know if it's possible. I've tried several things this year to make it work and none have worked for long. Mostly because I've tried to adapt. Won't work here, either.

I can't make any promises. Those of you who have stuck with me... Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You have shaped my life just by being around when I thought there would be no one. I owe you more than I can repay.

And so I go on from this moment. A new year is starting for me. The proverbial clean slate. I'm not holding my breath for any miracles, though. *g*